Explorations in Role Models
Or, Who are You Imitating?
Greetings, friendlings!!
I've been spending the last few weeks feverishly researching, thinking, and jotting down notes on a new project I'm undertaking and previewing here below. I would love to hear your thoughts and responses to these ideas and explorations, so don't hesitate to hit "Reply," mmkay? And with that, let's jump in.
The term “role model” first came into existence in the 1950s, coined by American sociologist Robert K. Merton. He defined a “role model” as a person “looked to by others as an example to be imitated.” You’ll notice that there’s no value-judgement to this definition, neither are there any clues as to where this species of person might be located. A role model could be anyone, anywhere. You can be a role model without even being conscious of it.
But here’s what I think a role model is:
A role model is someone who shows you who you could be.
Role models help you answer the question, “Who do I want to become?” They are people who capture and keep your attention, because they help you explain something about your life: how it could be better or different, or how you can make sense of your life so far.
For someone to be an effective role model, you need to have time with that person (observation and interaction), and you need to see congruency in that person (alignment between statements and actions, beliefs and behaviors). The relationship doesn’t need to be as formal as a mentorship or an apprenticeship; it could be a professional connection, a family member, a friend, even a community leader. But it does need to provide multiple opportunities for you to observe that person across a variety of situations, over a prolonged period of time. That’s because, with anyone, but especially with role models, we’re constantly noticing statements and actions, and building a story that strings those two things together in a way that makes sense of the person we’re seeing, and the life they’re living. And we’re building a story about how and why that particular life matters to us, at this moment.
This observation over time reveals the degree of congruency in that person’s life - do their actions match their statements? Do their behaviors demonstrate their (expressed) beliefs? If they make a mistake, how do they handle it? If they score a win, how do they handle that? Do they demonstrate self-awareness, resilience, humility, and maturity? Is there congruence between their “front-stage” performances and their “back-stage” behavior? Or do they perform one persona in front of others, and a different persona when they think it doesn’t matter?
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Role models direct and shape our attention.
Social media influencers (or anyone able to capture attention online) are ubiquitous now. The intentional design of social media platforms works to keep us focused on our screens for the sole purpose of unrestricted growth and profit. Your attention and electronic engagement translates into data that can be sold or otherwise applied to updated design decisions that funnel you toward purchasing the next new thing.
This is why algorithms are so significant - because the only objects we’re getting are the outliers on either extreme end, which has the effect of being simultaneously grotesque and flattened (somehow). People online are making products (of themselves) that are more and more caricatures, “cartoonizing” their statements and actions to get snagged by the algorithm.
If our attention is always on the screen, the algorithms that “optimize” for the most accessible, replicable (meme-able), and participatory voices keep pointing us toward an endless succession of front-stage communication. We are constantly pressured to make instantaneous choices as to what’s significant, what matters right now, and that constant stream of choices molds us into people who choose appearance over substance (who cannot discern appearance over substance). But appearances cannot convey the congruence of statement and action over the long term.
Influencers have become de facto “role models” in this model because we have some semblance of time with them; they appear “just like us,” and they perform very successful versions of themselves on the front stage. But in reality, “aspirational” role models - people who have influence without relationship - can only be distant figures of interest. If you cannot observe and interact with a person over time to gain a sense of their congruity, what are you imitating?
But we never get to see “behind the curtain” of these influencers. We don’t see their learning and growth curve, their personas when they’re not performing, or their behaviors across various situations. Yet because we’re on the screen all the time, we experience a simulation of relationship.
In reality, we’re feeding algorithms more data about what’s captured our attention for the moment.
That data attempts to predict what we actually want, either now or in the near future, so we keep getting trained to satisfy our most immediate wants, without having the opportunity to step back and discern our deeper desires over time.
The impulse to control the uncontrollable, the desire to measure, quantify, exploit, and sell everything, to “make the world work for us,” this story of “inevitable progress”- these are combining to keep us more and more tethered to screens, to mediate our interactions with each other in ways that buffer and reduce the risks of genuine relationship. To connect, to attend, to love over time, is to be vulnerable.
To be a role model for others, to find a role model in others is to accept the opportunity, and even the responsibility, of showing how to desire better and differently of their lives, to take seriously the challenge of becoming truly ourselves.
Shalom,
Visit me on the web at R21.5 Coaching or connect on LinkedIn.
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