Conforming Desire \\ We Become What We Want
02 \\ Curations for January 2024
Bonjour, mes amis!
I'm feeling French today. Prenons une baguette et du vin, oui?
Mimetic Desire 101 - A Field Guide to Mimetic Desire, by Luke Burgis
What is this about?
Burgis draws from the work of Rene Girard in discussing mimetic desire (mimesis = imitative).
Desire is, at its simplest, is a longing or an impulse toward things you want. These include physical objects, experiences, states of being - if it’s not within your grasp or possession, it has the potential to be an object of desire.
So how do we come to want anything in life? We want things because we see other people want them. Burgis claims that this is the primary means by which we acquire and cultivate the want of something else, whatever that might be.
Despite thinking that we want things because we’re unique, cool, or objective, mimetic desire proposes that we want things because someone we know or observe (who we like, respect, admire, etc.) wants it first. (Never mind that someone, somewhere has to be the primary cause or the unmoved mover to kickstart a desire to begin with.)
If you’ve ever seen a toddler discard a toys and go over to another toddler to steal that toy, that’s mimetic desire in living color.
Which means, um, according to this, we’re all toddlers.
What can we learn?
The thing that most stuck me in reading this (plus Burgis’ book Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life) is that this is such a subterranean process. Desire is such a part of who we are as humans that we hardly notice how we follow these impulses. The desire to know, to make better, to express curiosity, wonder, and confusion - such has led to exploration and discovery that has improved human life.
Of course, we can also be easily led by our desires as well. Advertising can stoke our desire when it extols the benefits of a thing or experience, its ease of use and acquisition, the promise of becoming someone other or better than our current selves.
(I’ve always loved the phrase attributed to the Genevan theologian John Calvin: our hearts are idol factories. It sparks this image of little gold statues plopped onto a conveyor belt at regular intervals.)
Burgis makes the distinction between needs and wants, of course: we need food, water, oxygen, and shelter to survive. But the things that make life interesting, rich, and meaningful? That falls into the realm of desire. And as with anything, we can mis-order our desires.
We can make good things the only things. We can pursue status, wealth, or love to the exclusion of all else. We can make others and their desires the measure of our growth and success. Desire can also lead to tremendous abuses of power, the shadow side of our humanness that all too often shapes the world.
Buddhism teaches that craving—specifically, desire rooted in greed and attachment—binds us to samsara (the cycle of birth and rebirth), keeping us from moving toward growth and enlightenment.
Christianity teaches that desire needs to be rightly oriented toward seeking God first, from which follows both material and spiritual growth. In giving in to the flesh (sarx, Greek: σάρξ), we bind ourselves to immediate gratification, living only to seek the next hit, essentially.
What does this mean? What can we do now?
In considering what it looks like to live with desire, as longing beings, what does this mean for daily life?
I think it starts, first, with becoming more aware of the mechanics of “desire production,” so to speak. Through such practices of Buddhist mindfulness or Christian prayer, we can shine a light on the subterranean movements of our desire. We can make visible the invisible leviathans that swim in our hearts and in the social fabric of our days.
In practice, envision heading to Amazon to find that thing we suddenly have to have at 11:30 at night. Maybe we can put a pause between the search and clicking the “add to cart” button to ask ourselves why we want this right now?
That’s just one example, of course. There’s any number of moments throughout our days in which we can pause to interrogate our impulsive desires.
At the end of the day, though, desire is about who we are and want to be.
Our objects of desire say something about how we truly understand life, the world, and our experience therein. In becoming more aware of our internal idol factories, we can ask ourselves the questions, “What is the ultimate end of this desire? If I satisfy this desire right now, who am I becoming?”
Will we like the answers we give?
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The Inconvenient Truth About Your “Authentic Self” by Jennifer Beer
What is this about?
When you consider the concept of authenticity, how would you define it?
Most often, we describe it as the alignment of action and belief. When we behave according to our deepest values and unique qualities, we are the most authentic version of ourselves, regardless of what other people are doing or what our social context calls for.
But…maybe not.
Maybe we’re just playing the social game really, really well, subconsciously adapting our behaviors so that we actually align with collective expectations.
Say whaaa…?!
In this article, Beer reviews psychological studies that demonstrate that we feel or perceive ourselves to be most authentic when our behaviors most display social conformity. Beer discusses research in which the participants reported that they felt their most authentic selves when they acted out of a specific combination of qualities: namely, extroversion, emotional stability, conscientiousness, intellectually savvy, and agreeableness.
When we don’t display these qualities, it appears that additional research has demonstrated that we view people “as less than fully human” when they fail to conform to societal conventions.
Yikes.
What can we learn?
My first thought when I read this article is that the description of socially-approved qualities sounds suspiciously like the qualities that women are taught to display in order to avoid being labeled emotional, hysterical, or crazy. Make of that what you will.
It seems counter-intuitive, to consider that feeling authentic requires social conformity.
But then, it’s peer pressure writ large: we succeed in life when we have strong relational networks. Going against the grain risks fraying or destroying those networks. Do we have to submerge our personal values and unique qualities that don’t conform to the standard?
I can’t help but feel that there’s some middle ground here: can we hold true to what we believe while also performing social expectations in a way that enhances our relationships without sacrificing who we are?
What does this mean? What can we do now?
So, how do we act in the world, with this awareness of our propensity for social mimicry?
Do we see it as a positive or a negative quality? I’m honestly not sure.
On the positive side, some amount of conformity helps us get along in the common square, so to speak. We understand what behaviors and responses will aid us in accomplishing goals, acquiring resources, and cultivating relationships.
On the negative side, mimicry can often hide deeper issues of psychological sublimation or psychopathy. Conforming behaviors can manipulate or deceive for malevolent ends, which feels both familiar and squicky.
Conformity, mimicry - we can bend these natural behaviors toward benevolent or abusive ends. That choice says a lot about who we choose to be.
This seems like an uncomfortable newsletter, probing sensitive spots like a sore on the tongue. (Eeww.) But when so much of our environment encourages us to stay unaware and comfortable, I think it's valuable to engage moments of resonance when we encounter them.
Sometimes they can change our lives.
À bientôt!
Shalom,
Visit me on the web at R21.5 Coaching or connect on LinkedIn.
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